[Lucy]

Who knew that at the first tribal council I would be completely bitchslapped and gobsmacked...

Not only did Chris not leave, Jessica did, and not only was she not voted off, she was removed...

And if that wasn't enough to make your head spin, as some kind of cosmic joke, the hosts replaced Chris, with DAVID, the imaginary person that my idiot tribemates were trying to vote to be refugees. HE FUCKING EXISTS NOW. There is a David. I know you did that on purpose you bastard Lol! It's also super confusing because his avatar still shows up as Chris.

I saw that Jessica was gone before anything else and thought that the tribe had switched the vote without telling me- which left me confused. That would have been the most pointless blindside ever. Sorry Lucy we decided to keep the coma patient and we voted off the sack of potatoes instead. < But, obviously it didn't happen that way.

So. Given the shit-show that my tribe is kind of dissolving into I have decided that the best case of action is to become a refugee and escape. Brian has told me that he really enjoys talking to me because we have talked about a lot of things that aren't game related. I think I am going to press my luck and start dropping hints that I want to join him on the other side.

NOW, In order to join his ass, I need to fucking win a challenge for Taino. If I have my way I will win this challenge and jump right into Brian's arm and probably Jim's 20 mile long ball sack.

[Kimmi Kappenberg]

and probably Jim's 20 mile long ball sack.

Just think of it like a huge beanbag chair

[Lucy]

I will tie one ball to a different post and use the excess saggy skin as a hammock to lay in.

[Lucy]

Welp that was easy enough. One more lenghty conversation about how I fell in love with survivor and it seems Brian has fallen in love with me. I did my best to play it off that I am naive and that I am all about the fun and the socializing and that I don't see tribe color. Ya know, shit that most southern US male rednecks lie about. (Actually truth be told I think aligning down tribal lines is the BORINGEST way to play survivor. I will likely stick to my final 2 agreement with Mari, but it is incredibly unlikely that I will seriously consider going anyway near the end of this game with the majority alliance created on the Taino tribe unless that is literally the last possible option).

I told Brian that when he had initially asked if I wanted to become a refugee I wasn't sure because we had not spoken yet and that Jim had the conversational skills of a ninety yr old woman seconds after twelve rounds of electroshock therapy. It's just a bunch of non words as Jim looks like hes about to keel over into a stroke. I went on to say that NOW MY MIND HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED. I would love to be a refugee with Brian and he's a great person. I basically blew a big sugary compliment up his butt and he loved it. I even told him that if he picked me he could help me choose the next person that becomes a refugee especially if it's someone from his previous tribe. Brian was so impressed that he came down with a case of verbal diarrhea where he basically told me all of his thoughts and opinions on ALL of his former tribe mates. Damn I'm good. 'you'll like Danni then, her and I had an hour conversation about Survivor and twists we've heard of that haven't happened yet and our opinions, it was just amazing. Lydia/Gary are also super awesome, like they just really know how to hold a conversation and I like them a lot. Adam and Zeke on your tribe are really great too, so this is a good bunch'.

OK. Now before you think I'm an asshole taking advantage of a young teenager and being as fake as a porn stars tits there is some validity to my sugary niceness to Brian. I do like Brian. Brian IS someone that I would consider working with down the line, especially if he selects me to become a refugee, and I am not going to stab him in the back after him deciding to pick me and give me a lot of his innermost thoughts. I'm just pointing out that I clearly know what buttons to push to get people to unhinge there jaws and spill the beans.

I may not be a winner in life, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I know I am adept in the art of manipulation. Hell, I should have dropped all of my morals and become a con-man that's how confident I am in my ability to schmooze people. It's unfortunately a talent that is wasted on the game of survivor and not really useful in my every day life.

Now, here is the real kicker. All of this is probably for not. My tribe has the collective IQ of the nickelodeons rugrats when it comes to challenge strategy. It is very LIKELY we won't even win this challenge tonight and Brian will be forced to pick from his original tribe. We shall see...

I do have a glimmer of hope now because Jeff Probst just announced that there would not be a challenge for immunity tonight and that we are only competing to become a refugee. The inactive loser on the Lucayan tribe Margaret has been sacrificed to the gods of mediocrity. Margaret joins Jessica and Figgy in the inactive girls club whom are actually a bunch of 15 year old homos who wish they could chop off there ding a lings and be Parvati more than likely. Whoever they really are- they lost - they were removed- and in some cases they were replaced with other people who will hopefully give a shit about the game like the hosts oh so deserve. Because it's for refugee status I am hoping some of the members of the Lucayan tribe either no-show or just don't try at all because the refugee camp is already just Lucayan 2.0 as it stands due to their being no Taino tribe members in it. I some how doubt this will happen, but an middle aged asian woman who is actually a thirty yr old fag can dream right?

Sigh.

I really need this win. I really need to pull this victory out like a dude with no common sense who doesn't want to wear a condom, but believes if he pulls out just in time she won't get pregnant.

[Lucy]

Mari has me all stressed out. I walk away for maybe fifteen minutes and this bitch messages me asking if I got all of her messages before the chat server was change and how all those messages were lost. 'I am not sure if you saw it all but let me know I will try and remember it all'. Mari be acting like she has the holy grail of gossip. It has me worried and starts having my inner paranoid tweaker hitting my internal crack pipe and thinking all kinds of crazy shit. THE REASON JESSICA WAS REMOVED WAS BECAUSE LIKELY ONE OF THE INACTIVES WEREN'T LEAVING AND IT WAS GOING TO BE YOU LUCY. THE TRIBE HAS DECIDED THAT IN SOME SHADES OF LIGHT YOU LOOK LIKE GOLLUM. ADAM THOUGHT HE HEARD YOU EVEN SAY 'MY PRECIOUS' SO THE WHOLE TRIBE WAS GOING TO VOTE YOU. LUCY THE TRIBE IS OFFENDED THAT YOU ARE WHITE AND APPROPRIATING ASIAN CULTURE, WHY THE HELL DO YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCES WITH THE BANGING OF A GONG YOU TWAT, WE HATE YOU LUCY AND ARE GOING TO MURDER YOU BY MAKING YOU SWALLOW JIM'S EXCESS BALL SACK.

This shit better be good because I seriously couldn't nap because she acted like she had the most important information to share with me and it better be good. If it ends up being some worthless tea or some paranoid suspicions about things we have already discussed I'm going to make her film two girls one cup with me. MARI/LUCY 2 GIRLS 1 IDOL.

[Lucy]

DISCLAIMER AND RANT COMING YOUR WAY

For all the snowflakes out there who go on to say that my jokes are offensive, uncouth, or seem racist, or are misogynistic, or offensive... have no sense of humor and probably don't understand what being any of those things really mean. I may be an uber liberal, but my feelings on free speech and being able to laugh at jokes take precedent. I'm a gay male. I may not be an Asian woman, a black man, a latino grand mother, an offspring of Donald Trumps incestual lineage , or be born of another race that was not mentioned, but one thing I have in common with all of those people is that I have suffered and been made fun of for who I am and i've learned that if we don't laugh at ourselves and make every stereotype into a joke - you will just go crazy and be an incredibly miserable person. A joke is a joke. If you choose to be offended by it, that's your fucking problem and sorry you have a stick up your ass. I know someone that can pull it out for you.

As a gay male I find it hilarious when people make gay jokes and people immediately spout out THAT'S HOMOPHOBIC. No, a joke isn't homophobic. An example of homophobia is what happened to Matthew Shepard. Ignorant? Maybe. Jokes are subjective. Humor is subjective. You can't laugh and giggle and follow that up by saying THAT'S HOMOPHOBIC when you laugh at it. Or does that make you homophobic because you laughed?

I am trying to entertain you all dammit.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to post this. I just feel like there will be someone out there who thinks they are they are the Captain of the Offensive Police.

[Lucy]

The second Refugee Challenge is upon us in loo of the Immunity Challenge being cancelled and due to my life being on the line in getting to Refugee land I volunteered to be the one in charge.

I basically had to assign all of the members of my tribe to one of the seven deadly sins - which is actually super creative, unfortunately I don't think many of them will know how to assign themselves so I tried to do it based on partly who they are playing as and my opinions.

For example LUST. Mari is the attractive female. So I assigned her lust. Adam won a 1000000 dollars, you associate money with greed. Sloth- david is lazy and just started the game and is the least active, so thats an easy pairing. I chose pride for Zeke cause we had just discussed how determined he is to win this next challlenge and how he will go at all costs.

The rest were virtually crapshoots.

I am praying my tribe wins.

Also fuck Lydia for volunteering again you show off hagress. Go do the mash potato or some horrible dance named after a food you foul wench.

[Lucy]

My ass just got blindsided again... and not just once, but twice.

First lets start with the obvious. My tribe came together and won the fucking challenge. Before anyone says this challenge is a crap shoot and tries to devalue our victory- please wait for me to take a big dump so you can lick my hole. I put a lot of thought into my choices. I not only thought about what was the truth, but I also thought about how the castaways were based on their television run. I figured that it would be full proof. However, I admittedly had no faith in my tribe... and frankly I still don't based on the second thing to blindside me.

My stupid ass decided to vanish completely from the group chat to prevent myself from saying or doing anything that could be perceived as cheating or aiding my tribe. This was a mistake. Jeff Probst announces that because our tribe wins we get to decide WHICH tribe gets to go to the Refugee Ritual. My tribe picks the other team... Yes lets give the other team a THIRD GUARENTEED IMMUNE PERSON. My tribe clearly isn't thinking long term. Of course it was Adam and Zeke's big stupid mouths that made the decision and I am disappointed that Mari and Hannah just sat there like lame ducks and let it happen.

So Brian has to pick someone on Lucayan and he is now someone I cant speak with :{. I am super sad. Also I just learned that. I thought the refugees all had to vote and decide together when apparently it's the most recently chosen refugee that gets to make the choice. Brian let me know before he goes that hes picking Amy. I vented my frustrations to him quickly and asked that he put in a good word for me with Amy.... so now I have to get a perky sweet and fun enema again so I'm all peppy and fun when I talk to Amy?

I cant believe how poorly tonight went... I got exactly what I wanted, but again, I was thwarted by an unforeseen circumstance. CURSES!

[Lucy]

I forgot to mention the mystery of the TAINO ALLIANCE chat.

The chat that was created with a password to enter that everyone could see. I think I have solved the mystery of the sphinx. Here is what I think happened.

I think Adam, Will, and Zeke made an alliance. Given there complete ineptitude and over all stupidity and horrible game play, I think one of them chose to make a private protected chat instead of a private one. My money is on Zeke or Adam. They didn't realize that everyone could see there big fat boo boo.

What had me hung up was the fact that it said it had 4 participants.

All of the girls claim they were not in that chat... Obviously the inactives Chris/Figgy/Jessica were not members of that illustrious club. So I have come to the conclusion that the three added the host- Jeff Probst - under the guise that in most games the host wants to be added to the alliance chat.

The second possibility is that someone was trolling and wanted to cause pointless drama.

Given that Zeke has tried to target tribe members that don't exist and he doesn't comprehend that the Refugees are Immune- NOT OUT OF THE GAME- I venture to guess he was the one who created that chat. He's as sharp as a butter knife. As dull as one too.

Whatever the case this revelation has caused the girls to team up. Mari is calling us the Black Widow 2.0, which I'm not crazy about, but I will fly with it. I would love to change it to The Coven of Evil Bitches, but i don't know if that would fly.

[Lucy]

***I think one of them chose to make a PASSWORD protected chat, instead of a private one.

[Lucy]

I was TRYING to get the all girl alliance to be called THE COVEN OF EVIL BITCHES, but because the girls of cambodia were called the witches coven... it's a no go.

[Lucy]

DAY 6 PLAYER RANKINGS

1. Mari
2. Brian
3. Hannah
4. Zeke
5. Adam
6. Will
7. Jim
8. David

Not too much has changed. Brian definitely popped up the charts and has split my favorite Mari and my other gal pal Hannah into the third spot. I just felt like Brian was a little more open, while Hannah has definitely become a lot more open and chatty. I get the feeling that Hannah is closer to Mari in the group so I need to keep my eye on that.

Although Zeke has these dumb moments where I want to shake the shit out of him, he still chats and is friendly. Same with Adam. I just don't trust either after the ALLIANCE CHAT GATE 2018.

Will, Jim, and David are all bores and all interchangeable. I really was hoping David would perk up and be this great replacement and his first day on the job he doesn't show up. So another waste of space joins us.