[Lucy]

What are your thoughts on how it went down? Were you expecting it to happen? Glad it happened? Where does this leave you now? Can you trust anyone left?

My thoughts on what happened were YES. I need to have more faith in myself and need to stress a lot less. Joaquin leaving was a hard pill to swallow on a personal level, but I have decided that I'm not going to just be blindly loyal and hope the jury will reward me for the personal relationships I have built. I am going for the gold. A lot of times I just become content with getting to the finals and being happy I got the full experience. No. That's not enough for me anymore. I want to win.

I had no doubt that Joaquin would get 5 votes. I was not sure if the idol would be played or not. I'm glad that it all worked out and that I can put a big notch on my resume.

In making this big move I have a lot of damage control to do, but at the same time, it's given people a reality pill that I am playing the game and I am not the dumb naive player they thought I was. I think I have earned some respect and some jury clout, but I have lost a lot of trust with some players.

[Lucy]

Damage Control.

My first stop on the I AM SUPER FUCKING SORRY BUT I MADE A GAME MOVE BECAUSE I AM SELFISH AND WANT TO WIN TOUR was Dale. Dale's response 'Sooooooo. That Happened.' I thought about lying and trying to potentially pin the votes on the unsuspecting Taino Boys, but that's just stupid. I find it best in these situations to not make the hole deeper and just rip the band aid off. I explain to Dale that I eliminated Joaquin because I saw an opportunity to take an idol out of play. I have caught Joaquin in a lot of lies and he broke my trust, which is slightly true, but definitely an over-exaggeration. I told Dale that I hinted to him several times that I wanted to make an alliance and he never offered me anything more than comments about Trust. You trust me. Great. Trust isn't going to put me in the finals. I told Dale that I felt like he was working in cahoots with Joaquin and Dale claims he didn't have a final two agreement and that Joaquin just made a lot of assumptions and included him in a lot of his game strategy... which may be true. The fact of the matter is I just didn't feel like Joaquin really had my back. I explained that Joaquin told me about the idol and it felt like he did it as an after thought because he had told Danni and was paranoid she would tell everyone. Dale revealed that although he did not have a final 2 with Joaquin at one point HE DID have a final three that consisted of Dale, Joaquin, and Danni. Good to know. I'm not surprised.

The part of this conversation that was the scariest and most alarming thing that happened was Dale admitting how powerful I am and how much trust I have placed in me. Dale more or less said that he's going to get my ass and try and get people to distrust me. During our little pow wow he already went to Adam and told him not to bash me. I prepared for this and told Adam/Zeke both that I act like I don't have any affiliation with them and I do whatever i can to get people off our scent. If they approach me asking me anything like that I will reference that and see if that works, but I doubt it will completely.

Next stop on the SORRY I FUCKED YOU UP THE ASS WITH A CACTUS, BUT PLEASE LOVE ME AGAIN Tour was Zeke. Zeke tried subtle guilt. Zeke came at me like a calm, but stern father, and asked me what happened and why he wasn't included. I explained that I knew Joaquin had the idol and I saw an opportunity to take a shot at him and I took it. Zeke said that he understood the move, but he doesn't know where that leaves him now and he feels like he needs to start working on a farewell speech for tribal. Zeke immediately signed off. I understood how Zeke felt, especially after the day before. I had kind of broke down to him and told him some serious real life problems I'm having. Yesterday I got on a train, with no real purpose or destination, and just rode it back and forth for 3 hours because I was so lost in my mind. I am clinically diagnosed with Manic Depression. I told Zeke that I don't know why I can never feel happy and he was really nice and had some encouraging advice and it's like, fast forward to now... Zeke probably think's i am insincere. Zeke's words stung the most.

With Zeke offline, THE YES I BLINDSIDED YOU, BUT CAN I STILL GET IT IN Tour continues with Adam, who was the smartest of the bunch. Adam is used to being blindsided by these votes and seems to have been desensitized to them. I told Adam about the idol ahead of time, so the decision made sense to him when results went up. Adam played it like he wasn't upset in the slightest, but I bet that's not all together true. Adam's just smart enough to know that he needs to hold on to both myself and Lydia. Adam was manipulated by both Caryn and Chrissy, unfortunately I cant tell him the truth because I am on shaking ground going into this next tribal. I have to cling to these girls and not get them upset with me. Caryn and Chrissy both lied to Adam and told him that Dale was behind all of the votes he has been getting. Adam also told me that Dale said to him that he needs to stop telling me so much because I funnel information to the girls. Actually that's not true. I keep any info that Adam gives me locked up. Adam has made the mistake of putting faith in Caryn and Chrissy and others because he is grasping at straws. I love Adam and Zeke both to death, but they are being lied to by everyone. They have no idea how much bullshit they are being fed.

I vented to Adam about my frustrations regarding Dale due to him warning me of what Dale was saying about me. I don't want Adam to leave, I will honestly fight tooth and nail for him to stay.

[Lucy]

The Final Leg of the I MADE A POWER MOVE IN YOUR HOLE AND USED SHARDS OF BROKEN GLASS FOR LUBE tour is Drew.

I can't tell if Drew is a genius strategist or an idiot savant. I am starting to think he is 75 percent savant, 25 percent strategist. Drew is fuming about being left out on the vote. I don't fathom how he can feel left out. I never told him that I was voting for Adam or Zeke. Caryn gets credit where credit is due, but she basically got Drew to throw his vote and was just as key as I was in making the Joaquin boot happen. I supplied the motive and the gun powder, Caryn aimed the gun in the right direction, and we both pulled the trigger. Even with all of that aside, Chrissy fucking told Drew she was voting for Joaquin. How in the fucking world do you not immediately have a red flag moment. Why on earth would Chrissy throw a random vote at Joaquin? Chrissy has voted for Adam in the past... Why on earth wouldn't she do it again unless she had the votes to pull it off?

Drew posted in the tribe chat that whomever is telling people that he was in on the plan to boot Joaquin can suck his microscopic uncircumcised penis that probably has blue cheese growing between the skin folds. I know that Dale ran and told him what we discussed. I made an attempt to clear things over with Dale and he point blank asked me who was involved in the vote. I told Dale that everyone minus Adam and Zeke were in on the plan. How convenient that Drew implicated that someone was saying he knew about the plan.

Drew tries to play up how he has never lied to me and how he still wants us to be final two allies and if I don't trust him to vote him off. I feel like this all fake.

I tell Drew the following laundry list of reasons why as of late I haven't confided in him and trust him a lot less...

1. The Rogue Votes. I feel like he just randomly voted and told me after the fact. If you had a strong alliance with someone you would tell them ahead of time.

2. Drew claiming that Ryan told him that he had the Idol and yet it never materialized. Drew told me he had a final three alliance with Gary and Ryan and that he would get all this great intel. Intel that he never ever shared with me, not even once. I admit to Drew that I thought he lied about all of those idol discussions because he was trying to hide the idol from Taino or trying to manipulate me into keeping Ryan around.

3. I thought he was in cahoots with both Dale and Joaquin, primarily based on Joaquin always feeling the need to drop his name int he mix when it came to future votes. Joaquin always made me feel like Drew was an asset when he's not.

4. The Perception that I was the vets little puppet. I made this up, no one has told me that. It's more like my instinctual feelings of how I think the jury currently views me

The main reason that I did not include and will bring up tomorrow... THE LACK OF IDOL CLUE BEING SENT TO ME. I didn't get a clue from Jeff COURTESY OF DREW. If I did- let me know.. but that is the straw that breaks the camels back and makes me feel like he is blowing smoke up my ass.

Drew tried to make me feel guilty and failed. If anything he made me more annoyed.

In my honest opinion Drew is trying to play this card that he's a goat when in actuality he is aligned with people that are all ending up on the jury.

Drew didn't vote for Gary, Ryan, and now Joaquin. Drew was aligned with all of them in some capacity. The top two reasons people get jury votes are for Game Play and Loyalty. Drew has three people he can claim he was loyal too. I don't think anyone else can say that. It makes him dangerous.

I just wish I knew for certain. I just don't trust Drew the way I did earlier in the game and feel stupid that I asked him for a final 2 alliance so long ago.

[Lucy]

Adam and Zeke have learned nothing from this game. Legitimately nothing. These girls have lied and corralled votes on to them so many times, yet they are eager to run back to Caryn and Chrissy for more abuse. Caryn and Chrissy convinced Adam and Zeke that the reason the last vote excluded them was out of fear they would tell Dale and that they voted Dale because he had been the one responsible for Adam receiving all of these votes over the course of the merge.

Adam runs and tells me this and I cringe. I was just about to try and put Dale, Drew, Adam, Zeke, and myself into a new power alliance of five, but now I cant'. Dale decided to run and tell Adam to stop telling me everything, which might be true, but Dale made the assertion that I run and tell everyone what Adam says which isn't true. I may have given Dale the impression that I was not close to the Taino boys and perhaps I just did too much of a good job.

Whatever the case- mix Adam/Zeke being food horseshit and coming back for seconds WITH Dale trying to casually throw me under the bus because he thinks he is a dead man walking and you get me having to jump on the boot Dale train.

Dale has been interrogating me hard core and I gave him some information, but also tried to bruise Drew in the process. I want Dale to think that Drew has been bullshitting him if it comes down to the finals and I some how end up with Drew. I think Dale will appreciate my non bullshitting approach to Drew trying to act all out of the loop.

I am now stuck in the Girl Power alliance and it's quite unfortunate because if I saw an escape route I would gladly take one... but alas, I have hit a dead end and I will just have to be patient before making a new move.

[Lucy]

Tonight we competed in the In Crowd Immunity Challenge which is just a fancy schmancy way of saying the MAJORITY RULES competition.

The pain in my abdomen started about an hour before the competition. I was keeled over in pain- while also on the clock at work- and I know exactly what is wrong. I have a history of gallstones collecting and inflaming my pancreas. This is the third time it's happened in about three years. I am seriously pushing my luck with eating crap foods and not staying on the recommended bland diet. Eventually my organs are going to crap out on me if I don't get my shit together, but lets just stay positive that that day isn't today. Going into the challenge I am in excruciating pain and I barely even remember how I answered the questions on the survey.

I tried to answer the first portion honestly based on how I felt and the second portion I obviously tried to match the majority. When the competition started I thought that I had a really good chance of winning this. Unfortunately I put a little too much stock in ME being an answer. Out of eleven questions I ended up only being the majority answer to ONE. I tied with Danni with the player that is most trusted. God how misinformed these people are if they think myself, OR DANNI FOR THAT MATTER, are trustworthy. They might as well take a knife to there throats and cut them now.

I was thrown off by the multiple answers and I also thought- based on Dale hyping my ass up- that I would be possibly the person everyone wants back for All Stars and the biggest threat to win... I was disappointed to hear that the group really thinks Danni and Caryn are the front runners. I would venture to guess I am probably third/fourth in the running at this point, but there is plenty of time to trim fat before we get to the end of this game.

Once the challenge ends and Lydia is announced as the winner, I cant help but laugh at how in sync Dale and I were. We answered the majority of the questions exactly the same and both finished with the same amount of points. Before I can go to Dale to explain that I have no choice, but to vote him off, Adam and Zeke both announce that Dale said he was going to sign off and not come back in the event he didn't win Immunity.

I didn't realize that Dale sent me two messages right before the chats were turned off...

The pain has reached an apex and I seriously cast my vote and flee right in the middle of Tribal Council.

I didn't find out that Dale's goose was cooked officially until I got to the waiting room, but Dale's exit was heart breaking. Dale got a lot of majority answers that were negative and it's all bullshit. I don't care what Dale thinks of me now, but he was a great guy and I really did imagine at one point that we could be sitting in the finals together, but once I voted Joaquin and Dale let me know how powerful he thought I was and how much trust I have... it was a wrap. I know he never would have went to the end with me.

So long Dale.