[Lucy]

Long afloat on
ship-less oceans
I did all my best to smile.

Till your singing
eyes and fingers
drew me loving to your isle

And you sang
sail to me
sail to me let me unfold you

Here I am.
Here I am.
Waiting to hold you.




It's 2AM. I am wide awake and listening to music. I am clearly a little somber, but music is a big way that I decompress. I measure most of my life in songs. Tonight is a mix of emotions. I am so close to the end. I can see the finish line. I know it's there. I am a little sad that it's almost over, a little relieved, but mostly sad. I have put so much of my heart and soul and intellect into this game that I am pretty much running on fumes. I am my own worst enemy. I have slayed this game strategically, but I am not sure if I can convince that jury that I deserve the title. I'm a little worried about getting to the end and being slaughtered by those people on the jury.

I think I am in a good spot to make the final four.

I have one major obstacle on the horizon. The Final 4 Immunity. If I want to win- Drew and Danni can NOT be there. I get one get out of jail free card at final 5. I don't have that luxury at the final four. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself and kill this shit.

[Jeff Probst]

Congrats on final 4! Only one more day of game to go before Final Tribal!

[Lucy]

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'cause you don't love me anymore.

Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love.

---------------------------------------------------------

Don't ask why this finale thread has become Lucy does the oldies... It's just been a hard day. I will update with a really long confessional depicting what happened at Final Five later.

[Lucy]

Final Five...

It's pretty much Adam, Myself, and Zeke in the drivers seat.

Drew thinks he is in the drivers seat and thinks we should blindside Zeke and use Danni...

Danni knows her goose is cooked if she loses, so she is really nervous and extra jittery. Danni is looking for any kind of deal she can grab on too and I don't blame her. Danni is a boss- so she's not going to just lay down and die. I know that me and Danni had a brief falling out, but I've always liked her and respected her a competitor. I just tell Danni to hit me up after the immunity challenge because I don't want to bullshit and lie to her. If Danni does not win immunity she is toast. I tried to see if Adam or Zeke would be open to the idea of voting out Drew, but they think Danni is unbeatable and I have pushed those two a lot to do what I want and I am not against Danni leaving, I just want to make sure we think this through. The final immunity challenge is make or break for my game. I don't think I will survive if Drew wins immunity. Drew knows he will kill Adam and Zeke in the finals. My only hope would be Adam... and although he promises me the world and has done everything I have told him too that doesn't mean he won't take Zeke if he thinks he can beat Zeke.

In my opinion Zeke has no shot of winning the game. The jury criticizes everything he says at Tribal Council with there little emoji's. Zeke really has not made any moves on his own and if Zeke didn't have myself and Adam he would have drowned so many times. Zeke may not have pissed anyone off, but you can tell they are not feeling him at tribal.

I am trying my best to make Adam feel emotionally connected to me. I have been chatting him up a loooooooot lately. Adam is my only hope. Drew only feels like he needs me in the event he does not win immunity.

A lot of this final 5 round has been me jockeying for position in the final four. In my mind this round is a freebie. I don't think I need immunity. Danni or Drew. If one wins immunity, the other leaves... I just can't stress how important to me this final immunity is...

[Lucy]

OK. So my pre-challenge anxiety is back. I am freaking out. SURPRISE. I don't even know why. I feel like for this vote I am in a good position. I am potentially in between two different pairs. One pair being Adam and Zeke who staunchly want to boot Danni. The other pair being Danni and Drew- who are a little more floppy. Drew wants to break up Adam and Zeke and he thinks we can use Danni to do that.

I just have this pit in my stomach telling me that Drew is the person I need to knock out. I feel like Drew could win the final immunity and cash in on my game plan and potential victory.

The challenge is going to be a mix of hide and seek, trivia, and remembering things about the people we played the game with. We will have 10 riddles that correspond to a player who was eliminated. We have to find the picture of the eliminated player and send all of our answers in one message to Probst. I am a robot when it comes to trivia and facts. I felt going into the competition that I had a good shot at getting the trivia portion done. I was a little freaked out about finding the pictures. I feel like this challenge has Danni and Drew written all over it. Danni and Drew are just very quick and calm under pressure, unlike me who is a big fucking hot tranny mess.

The game begins and I start by filling out all of the answers to the riddles. I am not going to waste my time on copying/images of players who do not fit into the time line. I know every single answer with the exception of one. I was not on the Refuge tribe and I have no idea who was voted off first. I know it has to be Ramona or Lindsey. Drew told me that Lindsey and Ramona were very inactive. I know it's not Alecia or Nick because all of the 'drama' that happened when Ryan didn't vote for Alecia and voted Chrissy. I know Nick ended up taking the bullet for that mistake. So my game plan is to send my final answers back to back, instantaneously. One with Ramona as the answer, One with Lindsey as the answer.

I zip through the challenges forum really fast and I am finding everyone really fast and I feel like I am going to smoke this and win... I just need one picture. Joaquin. I'm not even joking you... I had all of the pictures primed and ready to send at 8:38PM. Nine minutes. I go through every thread and cant find him... So I literally go through all of the threads AGAIN.... STILL DON'T SEE THE FUCKER. I messaged Jeff Probst at 8:44PM to bitch about not being able to find Joaquin. All the while this is going on I am on the clock at work and seriously have to pretend like I am having computer issues so I don't get fired. I decide to give the forum one more pass through and if I don't see Joaquin I have to give up and get back to work. After going through the forums for a third time I am on the last thread... and what do you know? I some how managed to scroll over the mother fucker... I immediately race to my PM Box and send all of my answers. First with Ramona as the answer for 4. Second with Lindsey as the answer for 4.

I go in to check with Jeff and he says Challenge Over.

My heart sinks because I clearly lost...

OR SO I THOUGHT because I went to the thread and it said Lucy wins Immunity!

Phew.

Too bad I won this on a night that I didn't need it as badly. WHY COULDN'T THIS HAVE BEEN THE FINAL CHALLENGE? LOL.

It's like I always say.... You always win Immunity when you need it the least. The moment the pressure was off, I performed a lot better, but I'm not kidding anyone because I was still nervous as fuck. I just didn't feel like it was make or break.

I just hope I can tap into that intensity tomorrow.

With the challenge over... It's looking like Danni's omelet is cooked and it's a little runny.

[Lucy]

I decide to tell Danni she's leaving. I don't see the point in lying to her and giving her false hope when she has nowhere else to turn to. I tell Drew that the vote is Danni and he's like... Oh, so that's what we are doing? LOL. I explain to Drew that if Danni wins the final immunity there is no way in hell that we have even a remote possibility of winning. I think Drew really was wanting to blindside Zeke. I don't get the logic. I know for fact that Drew will not stick with me in the final four if he wins immunity. If Drew did stick by me I would die of shock. Drew would toss a straight path to victory.

Danni has confirmed some things Drew has done to throw me under the bus. Drew told Danni that I wanted her out and he got me to vote for Caryn to save her... LMAO. On what planet? If Danni really believes that Drew ever had her back in any real way... I would have to rethink our entire relationship Lol. There is no way Danni is that dense. Danni asks me if Drew was in on this plan to eliminate her and I respond with the truth. I could have thrown Drew under the bus, but I didn't for two reasons. I wanted to use this as a way to earn some brownie points with Drew. I have to try anything I possibly can to get him to want to take me to the final four- despite how frivolous it probably is. I also want Danni to think that I was the one who ended her game. I think Danni will respect me, woman to woman. I would have voted for Danni if she was in the finals. I hope that she will do the same for me if the roles are reversed.

Danni lets me know before the chats get turned off that she fucking loves me. My heart breaks. It really does. I have never fallen in love with so many strangers before in my life. I didn't think it would even be possible due to the alias factor and not only has that not been the case... I would venture to guess I know most of these people better than 75% of the ORG'rs I have to deal with on a typical basis. I tell Danni that I love her too, but I don't want to say anything else positive or she will think I'm kissing ass.

I tell Danni that in the event she stays that I will give her a blowjob and she can give me the same speech I gave her today about being unbeatable. Danni got a kick out of it.

Danni's last words to me were 'Thanks for making this so fun'. I welled up. God I need to be put on some kind of happy drug cause this game has just wrecked me emotionally.

Tribal Council was not really any kind of revelation. There was obviously some telling information shared about Taino and our relationships that definitely reaffirmed everything I have been thinking.

I feel like Adam likes me more than Zeke, but Zeke wants to go to the end with him more just for the easy win factor.

[Lucy]

I feel like Adam likes me more than Zeke, but Adam wants to go to the end with him more just for the easy win factor.*

[Lucy]

How are you feeling about tonight's council and what is your plan heading into tomorrow night's council?

I wasn't really worried about the final five tribal council - even before I won immunity. I feel confident that Adam and Zeke have my back- at least until the final four. I don't think they would make a move on me with Danni and Drew having such jury hype.

My plan is to knock Drew out at the final four. If Drew wins immunity my only shot is going to be to try and get Zeke out. Adam has promised and swore up and down that if it comes down to me and Zeke he will choose me, but I'm not sure if he really will.
Same with Drew. Drew has chattered on and on and on about how we have controlled everything and we need to be sitting with each other at the finals. If Drew or Adam really do want me in the finals... I will never be afraid to ask anyone for anything in life ever again. I believe Adam more than I believe Drew.

I am praying to any god that is out there listening that they both want me in the finals....

Is challenge strength playing a factor in your decision making? What is your ideal outcome?

It hasn't really played a factor at all in this game. No one got voted off post merge because of there strong challenge prowess. Lydia won 3 challenges total and she was never brought up as someone who needed to leave just because she was a competitive beast creature.

My ideal outcome is Jeff Probst announcing

AND THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR TURKS AND CAICO IS....
LUCY!!!!

My game plan for tomorrow is to win Immunity because lord knows I cant depend on my 0 win allies Adam and Zeke. If Drew wins- I am going to slather on the lube and get into the prison bitch position cause I know I am going to get fucked.

[Lucy]

I am so exhausted I can't even remember what I said in these.

[Lucy]

Dead in the water
It's not a paid vacation
The sons and daughters of city officials
Attend demonstrations
It's hardly a sink or swim
When all is well if the ticket sells

Out with a wimper
It's not a blaze of glory
You look down from your temple
As people endeavor to make it a story
And chisel a marble word
But all is lost if it's never heard

But I've got someone to make reports
That tell me how my money's spent
To book my stays and draw my blinds
So I can't see what's really there
And all I need's a great big congratulations

---

Final 4 Immunity.

It's the make or break moment. I have spent all night going through past seasons of the Stranded game. I know the last challenge is the Box. It's going to be a relay race that incorporates challenges we have done before.

Each season seems to follow a general template. First forum is a trivia question or guessing passwords from the first merge challenge. The second forum is the unscramble... you use the words from the unscramble in a word search in forum 3. Forum 4 is normally a trivia question detailing the boot order of all the contestants or the coordinates competition. The final lock is typically searching for a graphic that has a password into the final forum.

I prepared hardcore for this last challenge. I know the boot order and all the initials like the back of my hand. I kick ass at word searches. I won the challenge with the searching for the graphic flag... The first two forums are the ones I am most worried about. I am praying the first portion won't be passwords. I am not a lucky guy. I am good at unscrambling when it's words or game related things... not fucking random places that have to do with Turks and Caicos.

I have my paper with all the boots and a pen handy. I am ready to do my best and win.

If I don't win... I'm out.

[Lucy]

I wait for the first part of the challenge to be posted by playing Ocarina Flow by Enya. Which, laugh all you want, cause it's such a dentist office song, but I need to be as calm as possible if I am going to have ANY chance at this.

Jeff throws the first part of the box challenge at us and like I anticipated and dreaded IT'S THE PASSWORD LIST. Now I sucked at this the first time. I got sixth place and missed the cut off for immunity. So I decide to use the opposite strategy I used last time. I started in Row 2. Nothing.... I jumped to Row 4... Nothing. There is no way it would be so easy that it would be in the first row... so I jump to row 3.... and again, Nothing. I start swearing. MOTHER FUCKER, COCK SUCKING FUCK FUCK ASS CUM. I am going to release a remix of Ocarina Flow with me swearing. The password ends up being in the first fucking row and is like the sixth or seventh word... so if I had done what I did last time I would have been off with a bang.

So yeah. Lock 1. Sucking some major ass.

Moving on to Lock 2... it's the unscramble. I figure out Hispaniola immediately.... It takes me like five minutes to figure out Caya Hico. It feels like a fucking eternity while I try to find Black Rock Ship. I'm already thinking it's over. I have no shot. When I see that I am several minutes behind Drew my heart sinks. But I gotta keep on going.

I get to the word search which was fucking easy. I had a little snafu with the password cause I forgot the order the coordinates had to be in, but I quickly correct it and I get to the next Lock and don't even look at Drew's time. I know the boot order and just have to adjust one thing. Amy and Blake left on the same night and I couldn't remember who left first and assumed it would be Amy and then Blake because of alphabetics. I get it in on my second try.

Now here is the key moment where I was super confused... I get into the forum and I am the first one to check in.... I don't get how that's possible given how far Drew is ahead, but I just think nothing of it and I race to find the hidden image... which I find in the fifth thread that I checked.

final3guaranteed.

I enter and see Drew has already posted.

I go and post in the thread anyway just in case Drew made a mistake and I immediately collapse to the floor. It was like all of the gravity of the world fell on my shoulders. I lost. I'm going to be voted off tonight. If the tie breaker is what it's usually been like in past seasons - it's still rocks... only the people who receive votes are not immune like it has been at previous ties.

Adam isn't going to risk a shot of going to the finals with me.

Drew is a douchebag liar... he may have been swearing to me he was going to take me to the end, but I know it's all bullshit.

I am toast.

It takes me a few seconds to compose myself and congratulate Drew. My Itunes playlist decides to mock me and literally switches from Enya to the Killers song Goodnight, Travel Well. I'm not even kidding. I almost punched my computer screen out.

Drew responds with You Won.

?

I tell him to stop getting my hopes up.

But then I think back to the Lock where I posted first and he wasn't there... I looked back and sure as shit... Drew did not follow the rules which were super clear about checking in AS YOU ENTERED.

There is a chance. There is hope.

I am arguing and trying to talk to Jeff... and it's for nothing because he has announced the winner of the final immunity and the whole situation...


The Winner of the Final Immunity Challenge.

Lucy.

Me.

[Lucy]

I am a finalist in this season of Stranded: Turks and Caicos.

I did it. All of the sweat and tears and heartache and psychological torment... All of the self doubting and paranoia and thoughts of regrets.... All of it.

Means everything to me in this moment.

I kinda hate how it happened, but ya know what, a win is a win. I followed the rules and won. I have lost so many challenges because I made mistakes and didn't follow the instructions or messed up one thing... My win is valid.

I just feel awful now about voting for Drew.

I was all for Drew leaving and I have been salivating at the mouth to chop his head off to prevent him from taking credit for everything.

But this feels icky. I also hate that Zeke flat out told him he's out... when I could still easily force a tie on Zeke.

The problem I am having is --- I think Adam and Zeke is my best shot at winning, but the idea of losing to them makes me get anxiety. I love them both, but they are fooling themselves if they think they got here manipulating me. I went to the end with them not out of a loyalty to Taino, not out of love, but because I saw them as the best way to win the game.

I would feel a little bit better losing to Adam because we have bonded so close... but I would be lying if I said I felt like he played the best game. I am happy to admit that other players did a better job than me on the Jury front... but Adam and Zeke both were labeled goats and both were mocked and treated with no respect. Adam and Zeke were never approached with any plans. Adam and Zeke would confide in me so much that I would have to direct them on what to do.

And the scary thing is... if the jury feels bitter towards me the cruel reality is that none of this matters.

But I keep coming back to the same name.

Drew.

I don't think I can beat Drew. I really don't. I did not play this hard and long just to hand Drew the game.

I asked Drew to reveal to me if he lied or was loyal to me and he avoided the question... which was the final straw. He knew I was on to his bullshit. Drew runs to Adam and tries to tell him that I am going to win in a land slide and that he needs him to win... I don't see how that's logical unless he's suggesting he thinks he can split the votes that I would receive?

I knew Drew was a lying sack of shit and was never fooled by his crap. I needed Drew. I did. But he needed me too.

But now... It's time to put him down.

Tribal Council is probably the boringest tribal of the entire game... it was quiet. Drew left.... and the emojis of anger and barf reaffirm what I believed. I made the right choice.

Final Fucking 3.

Adam, Lucy, and Zeke.

[Lucy]

Final Tribal Council...

I wrote up this really fake ass kissy speech and ended up tossing it out. I don't need to kiss these jurors ass to get there votes. Most of them know me really well, so I am just going to own everything and bathe in the blood.

I think I might have come on a little too strong and may sound a little bit cocky, but if you don't have confidence in your game you have already lost the battle.

I need to pull it back just a tad.

I am scared I am going to get ripped to pieces by a looooooooot of these players.

I am most scared about Chrissy and Dale. I think those two will be the hardest to please/

[Lucy]

Chrissy's final questions shocked me.

She was complimentary of my game while also giving me some sass and it made me realize that honestly... we could have been friends had this game been different and we met pre-merge.

I made sure to be as honest as possible and not over-sass her back.

I feel bad having to pound on Adam and Zeke because I love them both, but I have not come this far to fall off my chair and lose. I need to be focused and on my p's and q's.

Chrissy actually apologized and said I gave strong answers and whether she votes for me or not I feel like a big cum stain now for bashing her because I thought she was going to be irrational and it's just kind of her shtick. She is the salt queen and I never got that memo.

[Lucy]

Ryan was complimentary and I felt like he wanted me to admit that I was duped about him having the idol because of Drew...

so I kind of spun that around to make me seem more self aware, which is kind of true, I thought he was lying after tribal ;)

but idk. Ryan is not someone I think will vote for me. I think Ryan will vote for Adam. He fucked his whole game up for Adam so why wouldn't he vote for him to win?

[Lucy]

Yep I am getting the sense that I am not going to win.

These people are so mad and bored at me being the obvious front runner that they are just itching and looking for excuses to reward Adam for being nice- which is a really pathetic and soul crushing thing.

I love Adam, but I can't feel good about him winning.

I hate feeling like I did all of the dirty work and they are going to cash in on me leading them here like the goats that everyone has said they are.

11 votes.

Adam will get most of them.

The only person that I think will vote for me is Danni.

Adam will get Ryan, Gary, Lydia, Drew...

I would have to literally get all the rest of the votes and I don't see it. Caryn, Danni, Joaquin, Dale, Chrissy, and Brian. < If I win I will have to have gotten every single one of those votes and I don't feel concrete about recieving any of them. Dale is so aloof and doesn't care and it really fucking stings. He acknowledges I played great, but i thought I had a stronger bond with him. If he was willing to reward Danni or Drew over me, that's very telling.

I feel like Joaquin was wanting me to say I hated him in his question when I really fucking don't, so I didn't...

Gary felt like I was being condesending to him because I said 'Not to burst your bubble...' which I was seriously joking about and wasn't even trying to be cheeky or mean.

I really fucking hate how fucking whimpy this jury is...

In there previous seasons all of these vets discuss how the best player should win- yet none of there questions fucking reflect that in anyway.

[Lucy]

I just see this game slipping out of my hands and I don't know what to do.

I am too passionate and have put too much time into this for it to get handed to someone out of shock factor and because they suck better ass at FTC.

[Lucy]

Sorry for the rant, but I have never put so much effort into a game.

Starting with my application all the way to spending all fucking night studying for that Box challenge....

While Adam and Zeke farted around and did jack shit.

[Lucy]

Today has been a weird day.

One of my online friends Patrick died a couple of months ago from organ failure. He was an alcoholic. We were very close for years and the series that made us really close was Chronicles.

The final season we played together- was a Blood vs Water type game. 'Legends of the Hidden Temple'. Patrick and I were partners. We made it all the way to the final five before he was eliminated.

I ended up making it to the finals and Patrick was upset. We had this back and forth that culminated in me revealing some pretty strong feelings I had for him... in front of the entire cast... and I remember what a hot gossip topic that was for a few days and I just remember that once I won and the game finished... we never were as close again. We would try and catch up every once in awhile, but I am always really guarded, especially when it comes to relationships. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt. So the year before he died I can only think of maybe three or four times we had even spoke. We would catch up and I would stop answering his skype calls.


I have been thinking of him all day today.

The final three scenario was so similar. I was the clear front runner sitting next to two perceived goats.

I don't know why that's been on my mind today, but it's been bothering me.

I feel like of haunted.

[Lucy]

I feel kind of Haunted*